pichle guruwaar ko maine apna facebook account deactivate karne ki koshish ki. koi khaas wajah nahi hai. koi tanav bhi nahi hai. mann ubb gaya hai. wahi har comment mein lol. wahi har ladki ki profile pic pe 50+ likes. comment – like, like – comment. wahi har ice-cream jo aapne khaayi uska awesome taste ka status update, wahi purana sms double-meaning joke, wahi har comment ke end mein colon p, aaye din apne profile se har chindi photo se apna tag hatana.
shikayat nahi hai. ab facebook pe sign up kiya hai toh itna toh hoga hi.
ajeeb sa ehsaas hai mann mein. ajeeb. jaise roj naya din nikalta hai, main wahi purana hoon, facebook wahi purana hai, waise hi chale jaa raha hai. mujhe laga yeh deactivate button pe click karta hoon aur main isse nikal jaata hoon.
toh kiya kyun nahi?
teen wajah. pehli. jo maine itne doston ko apne photos mein tag kiya hai, unki photo chali jayegi. maine socha apna sukun paane ke liye doosron ki profile kyun barbaad karoon. doosri. mera friend hai munna. kal uska janamdin tha. maine uski janamdin ki tasveerein facebook pe daal ke tag kar rakhi thi. log uspe comment aur like kar rahe the. maine socha ki main apna account delete kar doonga toh iski do pal ki khushi kho jayegi. teesri. jaise hi main deactivate button pe click karna waala tha, mujhe ek awaaz sunayi di. dekha toh pata chala, kissi khidki (chat window) se awaz aa rahi thi. khidki kholi toh dekha, ek khoobsurat ladki, jisse main hamesha baat karna chahta tha, woh aaj mujhe khud ‘Hi’ keh rahi thi. maine socha ki iss khoobsurat ladki se batiyate-batiyate toh yahan se nahi nikla jaa sakta hai. maine usse ‘bbye, tc’ bola aur khidki band ki. lekin jaise hi khidki band ki aur waapas deactivate waale page par aaya, toh woh moment chala gaya. woh tut gaya. phir mera account deactivate karne ka mann nahi kiya.
issi ko facebook ka maya-jaal kehte hain, mere dost.
Dad: Son, I wish to give you an advice regarding Love.
Son: Umm… okay?
Dad: If you love someone really, even if she belongs to different religion, you shouldn’t hesitate to bring your proposal regarding her to me. I wasn’t brave enough to face my folks due to the fear of attracting their wrath over this sensitive inter-religion marriage issue.
Son: Hmm… Does Mom knows about this?
Son: Shall I tell Mom about this?
Son: Will you increase my daily allowances?
Dad: Oh.. I meant yes, of course. How much?
Son: 50% increase.
Dad: Shit! What the f..!
Son: Dad, you shouldn’t abuse before your children. It would set a wrong impression on their young, impressionable minds.
(PS: Advice to parents: Sometimes, it’s advisable not to act too friendly with your kids.)
It was as usual, another lazy morning for the stalker who had nothing better to do than checking out emails and Facebook news feed. Although he was hardly 5 minutes into doing this usual stuff, he got bored with it. So, he started checking out his spam emails as his email service provider was very efficient at putting all the important mails in his spam folder. All the mails from his distant Nigerian relatives who were always so willing to make him millionaire, were put into his spam folder. All the mails from some kind ladies, who were always so willing to make his night wonderful and memorable, were directed to spam. All the mails from some medical pharmacies who promised to offer him some magic pills which shall make him a rockstar were going to spam. He always wondered what a terrible spam filter his email service provider applied that eluded him with opportunities of getting rich or getting laid.
Anyways, he saw an email in his spam which was slightly different. He almost immediately spotted it as being an email from a damsel in distress. The contents of the email were as follows:
My name is Aldora,how are you? Hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health. I was surfing the net and i came across your e mail. If you don’t mind i will like you to write me for us to know each other. I will send my picture to you in my next mail. Looking forward to your mail soon.
e mail: firstname.lastname@example.org
Aldora Alloy Ebue
How could the stalker not replied back to such an email which promised to send him a picture. He responded back promptly.
I am fine. Thanks for asking 🙂
How are you doing?
After a few hours, came back the response from this damsel and along with it the awaited picture as promised.
“Hello my Dear,
I am very happy in your reply to my email. How is your day? I am fine here in Dakar Senegal.
My name is Aldora Ebue, I ‘m 24 years, from Ivory Coast in West Africa. i am 5.9ft tall, Fair in complexion,(never married before )and presently i am residing in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal as a result of the civil disturbances in my country.
My late father Dr Ebue was the managing director of Neroebue and Associates (Ltd) and he was a special adviser to our former head of state before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and my father in cold blood.
It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to a near by country Senegal where i am living now in a refugee camp, and this computer is belonging to a reverend that has a church here in the camp.
I will like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail.
Attached here is my pictures. Like to see yours.
Like to hear from you soon
What a touching story! Although the damsel in picture looked pretty, the stalker instinctively did a reverse google image search of the picture and got back this result. He chuckled after looking at the results and decided to ignore the damsel in distress.
However, the damsel sends another email after a few hours:
I am very sorry if i may violate your policy or in any way hurt your feelings by intruding into your privacy,actually It’s true that I don’t know you in person and it’s not compulsory that you must help me, I will like you to make sure you keep this transaction secret and confidential if you are interested to help me out.
I am Miss Aldora Ebue , 24 years old from Abidjan Ivory Coast and the only daughter of my late parents they died in Civil War which is still going on today, with the help of United Nation i am now in Dakar Senegal as a refugee My late parents Dr and Mrs. Alloy Ebue were so loving while alive. My late father has the sum of $6.5 million US DOLLARS (Six million five hundred thousand USD) in a bank here and he used my name to Deposit the money with the bank as his only daughter as well as the next of kin to the fund,i will like to transfer it into your bank account, Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions,
1.Can you honestly help me as your daughter/sister or friend/ lover?
2.Can I completely trust you?
3.What percentage of the total amount is will be good for you after the money is in your position?
I am anxiously waiting for your urgent response so that i will give you the bank details where the money is deposited,i am still too young to manage it, i will like to hear your voice please call me with our Reverends Number, his name is Rev Johnson Samuel, he is the Reverend In charge of Life Water christian church here in Dakar Senegal His number is (+221775923552 ) just tell him that you want to speak to Miss Aldora Ebue and he will send for me.
Am eager to hear from you soonest,
Yours Miss Aldora Ebue.”
This email contained a few more pictures. The stalker once again did a reverse image search and this time, he got a link to the Facebook profile whose pictures were getting abused by the damsel in the distress and a link to this thread http://goo.gl/ePfW9 .
My dearest Aldora Ebue,
Although, you don’t know me and neither do i know you but I can feel something special between us.
1. I can honestly help you as your lover. I have fallen in love with you but I am lesbian and I sincerely hope that you are also one so that our love can blossom naturally.
2. Yes dear, you can completely trust me.
3. I think 100% of the total amount will be good for me. You may be thinking I am greedy but I am thinking that since you shall be my dear lover, you wouldn’t mind me claiming the entire fund as after all what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Sorry dear, I can’t make international calls as I don’t have enough money to call you, although I am dying to hear your beautiful, sexy voice 🙁
*Hugs and Kisses*
An eager to hear from you soonest,
Your lesbian lover
As expected, the stalker didn’t hear back from the damsel after this email. Afterwards, the stalker rued sending this email as he missed the chance of meeting a damsel who understood sarcasm. Or perhaps, the damsel was a guy actually.