When Miss Spammer meets Mr. Stalker

Reading Time: 4 minutes

It was as usual, another lazy morning for the stalker who had nothing better to do than checking out emails and Facebook news feed. Although he was hardly 5 minutes into doing this usual stuff, he got bored with it. So, he started checking out his spam emails as his email service provider was very efficient at putting all the important mails in his spam folder. All the mails from his distant Nigerian relatives who were always so willing to make him millionaire, were put into his spam folder. All the mails from some kind ladies, who were always so willing to make his night wonderful and memorable, were directed to spam. All the mails from some medical pharmacies who promised to offer him some magic pills which shall make him a rockstar were going to spam. He always wondered what a terrible spam filter his email service provider applied that eluded him with opportunities of getting rich or getting laid.

Anyways, he saw an email in his spam which was slightly different. He almost immediately spotted it as being an email from a damsel in distress. The contents of the email were as follows:

Hello,
My name is Aldora,how are you? Hope you are fine and in perfect condition of health. I was surfing the net and i came across your e mail. If you don’t mind i will like you to write me for us to know each other. I will send my picture to you in my next mail. Looking forward to your mail soon.
e mail: aldoraebue86@yahoo.in

Regards,
Aldora Alloy Ebue

How could the stalker not replied back to such an email which promised to send him a picture. He responded back promptly.

“Hello,
I am fine. Thanks for asking 🙂
How are you doing?

Regards
Stalker”

After a few hours, came back the response from this damsel and along with it the awaited picture as promised.

“Hello my Dear,
I am very happy in your reply to my email. How is your day? I am fine here in Dakar Senegal.
My name is Aldora Ebue, I ‘m 24 years, from Ivory Coast in West  Africa. i am 5.9ft tall, Fair in complexion,(never married before )and presently i am residing in the refugee camp in Dakar Senegal as a result of the civil disturbances  in my country.
My late father Dr Ebue was the managing director of Neroebue and Associates (Ltd) and he was  a special adviser to our former head of state before the rebels attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and my father in cold blood.
It was only me that is alive now and I managed to make my way to a near by country Senegal where i am  living now in a refugee camp, and this computer is belonging to a reverend that has a church here in the camp.

I will like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes,your hobbies and what you are doing presently. I will tell you more about myself in my next mail.
Attached here is my pictures. Like to see yours.
Like to hear from you soon
Aldora “

What a touching story! Although the damsel in picture looked pretty, the stalker instinctively did a reverse google image search of the picture and got back this result. He chuckled after looking at the results and decided to ignore the damsel in distress.

However, the damsel sends another email after a few hours:

My dearest,

I am very sorry if i may violate your policy or in any way hurt your feelings by intruding into your privacy,actually It’s true that I don’t know you in person and it’s not compulsory that you must help me, I will like you to make sure you keep this transaction secret and confidential if you are interested to help me out.

I am Miss Aldora Ebue , 24 years old from Abidjan Ivory Coast and the only daughter of my late parents they died in Civil War which is still going on today, with the help of United Nation i am now in Dakar Senegal as a refugee My late parents Dr and Mrs. Alloy Ebue were so loving while alive. My late father has the sum of $6.5 million US DOLLARS (Six million five hundred thousand USD) in a bank here and he used my name to Deposit the money with the bank as his only daughter as well as the next of kin to the fund,i will like to transfer it into your bank account, Your suggestions and ideas will be highly regarded. Now permit me to ask these few questions,

1.Can you honestly help me as your daughter/sister or friend/ lover?
2.Can I completely trust you?
3.What percentage of the total amount is will be good for you after the money is in your position?

I am anxiously waiting for your urgent response so that i will give you the bank details where the money is deposited,i am still too young to manage it, i will like to hear your voice please call me with our Reverends Number, his name is Rev  Johnson Samuel, he is the Reverend In charge of Life Water christian church here in Dakar Senegal His number is (+221775923552 ) just tell him that you want to speak to Miss Aldora Ebue and he will send for me.

Am eager to hear from you soonest,
Yours Miss Aldora Ebue.”

This email contained a few more pictures. The stalker once again did a reverse image search and this time, he got a link to the Facebook profile whose pictures were getting abused by the damsel in the distress and a link to this thread http://goo.gl/ePfW9 .


As the stalker had nothing better to do that evening, he decided to humor the damsel and sent her this email:

My dearest Aldora Ebue,

Although, you don’t know me and neither do i know you but I can feel something special between us.

1. I can honestly help you as your lover. I have fallen in love with you but I am lesbian and I sincerely hope that you are also one so that our love can blossom naturally.
2. Yes dear, you can completely trust me.
3. I think 100% of the total amount will be good for me. You may be thinking I am greedy but I am thinking that since you shall be my dear lover, you wouldn’t mind me claiming the entire fund as after all what is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Sorry dear, I can’t make international calls as I don’t have enough money to call you, although I am dying to hear your beautiful, sexy voice 🙁

*Hugs and Kisses*

An eager to hear from you soonest,
Your lesbian lover

As expected, the stalker didn’t hear back from the damsel after this email. Afterwards, the stalker rued sending this email as he missed the chance of meeting a damsel who understood sarcasm. Or perhaps, the damsel was a guy actually.

Marxism and Narcissism

Reading Time: 1 minutes

Mr. Y : “Karl Marx has said that in order to make a slave work more, he should be treated in a manner to make him feel like an employee.”

Mr. X: “Mr X. has said that in order to make an employee work more, he should be treated in a manner to make him feel like a CEO.”

Mr. Y: “Who the hell is this Mr. X?”

Mr. X: “Mr. X is the CEO of this company, Bitch!”

Credit Card Calls

Reading Time: 3 minutes

In college days, someone having a credit card(of his dad most probably) was always one of the popular guys in the hostel as some websites allowed payments only via credit card. The possession of a credit card appeared as cool. So, I always wanted a credit card since college days (to be cool and popular). But little did I know then, that when you are really eligible to get a credit card, then opting to not get a credit card would be like next to teaching acting to Arjun Rampaul.

When I started my career a year ago, as soon as my mobile connection got active, I started getting calls from a few banks like HDFC and Citibank. Since they wanted a month’s payslip, I had to wait for a month before I apply for a credit card. Even though, I couldn’t tell the benefits of one credit card from another credit card, the callers always claimed that their credit card was a better option. Anyways, I happily applied for a credit card at HDFC and got it with a decent credit limit without hassles.

However, the calls to give away credit cards didn’t stop. Now, I started getting calls from Standard Chartered, SBI and several others whose name I haven’t heard about. Initially as I had nothing useful to do in the office, I used to appreciate the efforts taken by the callers who were without exception females with names like Tina or Aliya. I used to ask them the details of the card they are offering. They used to explain me the benefits of the card offered with excruciating details. Meanwhile, I used to check my Facebook news feed. After they were done, I used to ask them a few more questions like how old they were or whether they were free in the evening that day. The co-workers around me used to give me a disgusting look and perhaps thought that this fucking desperate software engineer is trying to set up a date with an online hooker. I used to wink back at my co-worker and hence, confirming his suspicion of me being a desperate sucker who gives you dirty winks. As expected, the connections were cut abruptly from the other side after my innocent questions.

With the passage of time, the work at office kept me busy and also the call frequency of such offer calls reduced. Now when they used to come, as I had less time to amuse myself, I was more formal replying them offering my apologies for not being interested in the exciting benefits that came with the credit card they offered. But still at times, when I am in a playful mood, I try to find ways which shall drive away the caller from calling me back again. Currently, the kind of conversation that typically goes between us is on following lines:

Tina: Hello Sir! I am Tina, calling from XYZ Bank and we would like to offer you credit card of our bank.

me: Thank you for calling. I am really in desperate need of a credit card.

Tina(confused): Ohhk sir! As per as our information, you work in ABC company, right?

me: I am currently jobless. I used to work in that ABC company. But I have been fired recently on grounds of showing inappropriate sexual advances towards co-workers. that’s why I need credit badly.

Tina: Hmm…

me: Tina, please help me out. I need your bank’s credit card badly.

(Connection cut)

(PS: In case you haven’t figured it out already, the incidents described are fictional. By the way, what is your strategy to avoid such callers from calling back again?)